Date Night with Authors

I sit at the dining room table, one arm draped casually over the back of my chair, my phone in my other hand. I read from the screen.

“What is your favorite memory of dating me?”

My boyfriend Charles stands behind the kitchen counter, rinsing dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. (Yes, he is that magical.) He tilts his head and ponders, a smile playing on his lips as he reviews the past almost-four years of our relationship, searching for the perfect answer.

A few moments earlier, I had asked, out of the blue, if he wanted to ask and answer date night questions together. I can’t remember now what put the idea in my head. (This was several months ago.) But we had both been crazy busy at work lately (me trying to kick out Mailboat IV), and we hadn’t had time for any road trips or dinners out or even our weekend hikes or… anything.

Here was something we could do together that would take just a few minutes and very little energy. (We were woefully short on both.)

Unfortunately, I have the memory of a goldfish, and can’ t remember what Charles answered to the question of his favorite memory dating me. (Like a dog, I live in the moment—yes, usually wagging my tail.) I seem to recall his answer was something sweet and surprising.

My favorite memory of dating Charles might be the first time he kissed me, on the side of a mountain overlooking the Bitterroot Valley, the pines frosted in the first snow of the year. (Yes, once again, we really are that magical.)

Date night questions have now become a part of our regular routine. Waiting for a game to load? Let’s ask a date night question. Driving or hiking together? Let’s ask a date night question. Too tired to do anything else? Let’s ask a date night question. Turns out, it doesn’t actually have to be date night to ask date night questions.

We’ve laughed. We’ve cried. We’ve gotten to know each other better. Charles and I have always been good at communication, but actively asking and answering questions keeps that communication open. We know we’ll always answer each other honestly and unhurtfully. We each want the other to be the best version of him- or herself.

But of course, being authors, far be it from us to do things the normal way. We had to make it even better.

The other night, we were waiting in line at the drive-through at Wendy’s. Due to the staffing shortages here and everywhere, the line was really long and really slow. “Do you want to go somewhere else?” Charles asked.

“No!” I said, “Let’s ask date night questions.” I pulled out my phone.

Charles smiled. “Okay. But do you want to try something different?”

“What?” I asked.

“Let’s answer for our characters this time.”

My eyes lit up. That sounded awesome.

We each chose a current project and posed the questions to our characters—often with hilarious results. Charles is writing something in a sci-fi universe with several alien races, many of whom don’t experience romantic relationships the way humans do. I chose to apply the questions to my secret side project, which features SIX main characters. It took freaking forever to get past just one question.

But we discovered that exploring our fictional worlds together is another thing we really enjoy. For us, it’s another way of exploring each other’s minds. We’ve helped each other flesh out the characters and the storylines and more often than not, we’ve laughed uproariously while doing it. We’re never happier than when we’re lost in the world of fun and imagination.

If you’ve never tried date night questions with your partner, I highly recommend it. I don’t think it matters how long or short you’ve been together. You’ll either learn something new, or remember the importance of something old. If you and your partner are a little rusty talking to each other, practice a little patience and be intentional about the art of vulnerability. The point is never to hurt one another, but to become completely comfortable around each other.

Here’s a set of 100 date night questions Charles and I have been enjoying: A List of 100 Questions to Ask Your Partner on Date Nights

And if those aren’t enough, here is a card deck featuring 598 date night questions: Conversation Cards for Couples

I hope you have as much fun as Charles and me!

February 3, 2021May 19, 2021

Staying Curious

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This blog post is going live during Black History Month 2021. Last year saw a great deal of social unrest and the rekindling of the Black Lives Matter protests. By coincidence, the book I’m currently writing (Mailboat IV) features a person of color in a major role. (Not a black person, but a member of a minority group which also suffers discrimination, and so the parallels were hard for me to ignore.)

With all these events coming together, my thoughts turn to the problem of racial discrimination in my country. The unrest, demonstrations, and riots we saw in the past year struck me very hard. And so, I’ve gone on a mission to try to sort out my thoughts and feelings about racial discrimination.

I write positively about police in my novels. I have friends who work in law enforcement. And I also have friends who are people of color.

As protests around the country turned to riots, my stomach churned. I literally felt as if I were sitting in the corner of a room, watching my friends having a screaming match.

Understanding racism, and sorting out my own thoughts and feelings on the matter, may be a life-long pursuit. But I wanted to jot down my thoughts so far, and share them in hopes it’ll help someone else on their own journey.

Why Do People of Color Suffer So Much Police Violence?

After Michael Brown was shot and killed in 2014, it came to light that there was no national database tracking lethal shootings by police. The Washington Post went about to rectify that problem, and you can see their ongoing project here: Fatal Force.

You can see in their findings that, while more white people have died overall, people of color have died at a disproportionate rate.

“[Black Americans] account for less than 13 percent of the U.S. population, but are killed by police at more than twice the rate of White Americans.” ~ Fatal Force, by The Washington Post

I’ll admit, beyond looking at the numbers, I haven’t yet researched the question of why this is happening. It’s something I do plan to educate myself about.

But one likely root of racial tension is feelings of “other” and “them versus us,” both in terms of “they are against us” and “they are not one of us.”

And for that, I think I have at least one answer:

Curiosity.

Stay Curious

I have always been an intensely curious person–especially when it comes to people who are different from me. I grew up in an extremely homogenous environment, but instead of getting comfortable with sameness, I became curious about different-ness.

Your skin is a different color than mine. I want to learn more about you.

You speak with an accent. I want to know where you’re from and learn about your culture.

You wear a gun and a uniform and a bullet-proof vest. What on earth is that like?

You date someone of the same sex. I want to watch your relationship and see how it’s different from–and the same as–my relationship with my boyfriend.

You were assigned male at birth, but now you’ve come out as female. I want to watch your transition and see how you interact with life in a new way.

You grew up in a religion much different from mine. I want to understand what you believe and how it affects the way you live.

Your political views aren’t the same as mine. I want to try to understand where you’re coming from.

I have to say, curiosity this vast has been a great boon as an author. So long as I stay curious and humble and ask questions, I can create a vast array of characters.

And by staying curious, I get to meet all kinds of people–so that my fiction keeps benefiting the variety of my relationships. The more people I meet for research purposes, the more people I count as my friends, and thus the more diverse my circle of acquaintances.

Stop Talking; Start Listening

Like anyone, I sometimes see something different from what I’m used to and I want to reject it out of hand. It’s just too unfamiliar. Maybe I’ve even got notions already swimming around in my head about what this person is supposed to be like, because of some narrative I’ve heard from… somewhere.

This, of course, is called bias, and the experts claim we all have it, whether we realize it or not.

But then I breathe and remind myself that we’re all just people. I remind myself not to judge until I’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes. I remind myself to stay curious instead of shutting people out.

Whether I’m spending time with a cop or with a person of color or literally anyone else, I’ve found that accepting them just the way they are helps them open up and be themselves. I feel absolutely privileged when people who were strangers a moment ago start telling me their life stories. Start trusting me with thoughts they would only tell a close friend. I’ve had it happen again and again, with people of literally every description. I’ve seen people’s hearts, and that matters to me.

Only once you truly understand people, on both sides of a given conflict, can you identify the problems that may exist. Only once you truly understand those problems can you fix them. Until then, it’s only a shouting match.

Be quiet. Listen. Understand. Stay curious. You’ll probably find you have far more in common with “different” people than you thought. I keep returning to the words of a very dear friend of mine, an African-American woman. We were discussing racism, and her comment was simply this: “At the end of the day, people are pretty much the same.”

Over to You

The comments are open to discussion, but I want to remind you to be kind. (Inappropriate comments will be deleted!) This is a space for coming together as brothers and sisters. To practice that curiosity and openness I was talking about.

As another suggestion, go ahead and leave a prayer, a positive intention, or words of kindness. Let’s spread a little love and inspiration.

Mailboat IV, Releasing August 1, 2021, features a person of color as a key character. I had such a great time getting to know someone from that community in order to write this character as best I could.

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January 13, 2021January 4, 2021

Staying Flexible When Life Is Uncertain

As I write this in early in 2021, I can say that I used to have a writing schedule. It was heavily dependent on getting out of my own house to work. And then a pandemic came along, and both my routines and my schedule were torn to bits. (I know many of you can sympathize!)

But I’m big into trying to make lemonade out of lemons. (Or better, yet, lemon bars, lemon merengue pie, or even lemon cookies. Of course with powdered sugar! What kind of question is that?)

So what did my writing schedule used to look like? What’s it like now? And what have I learned from having life turned upside down?

My Ideal Writing Schedule

Before a new virus upheaved everything, my schedule was both simple and effective. Every morning, I walked to my coffee shop (the same one where I met Charles!), bought a latte, and claimed my favorite chair in front of the fire. (Sometimes I staked it out until an unwitting usurper finally left.)

Chair and fire secured, I sipped my coffee, sank down into my story world, and started to write.

I’d generally write for three or four hours, then pack up and walk home. In the afternoons, I’d transfer to my co-working space, where I would address various admin tasks such as marketing my books, answering emails, etc.

And then rumors started trickling in. A new virus had been detected in China. It was spreading at an alarming rate. It was only a matter of time until it came to the US…

My Pandemic Writing Schedule

Covid-19 arrived in Montana in March 2020. The governor ordered a state-wide shutdown. If we weren’t essential workers, we all went home.

I’ve tried working from home before. I already knew I was terrible at it! That’s why I have my coffee shops and my co-working space! It took me the better part of 2020 to refigure all my routines into something that worked again.

One of the biggest changes I made was choosing two days to be my “write-a-thon” days. These were my days to shut out all the admin tasks screaming at me and simply focus on my words.

But the other major change I made was hiring a book coach. (Yes, I’m that terrible at working from home! You can meet Jacquelyn in the blog post I wrote about her.)

Now on my writing days, Jacquelyn helps keep me on track to make sure the words get written.

What I’ve Learned

2020 was a year that challenged us all, in many different ways. (Can we even feel gratitude for such a year? I wrote a post about that during Thanksgiving 2020.)

I hated losing my schedule and routines. But 2020 really challenged my problem-solving capabilities, and in great news, I was the one who came out on top.

I had to learn to stay flexible and be creative. I can’t go to my coffee shop anymore? What can I do instead that would be just as effective?
I had to adopt new routines. My tried-and-true routines were gone. It was devastating. I had to keep innovating to find my way through.
I had to iterate and optimize. It was frustrating. I already knew what worked for me. (I.e., getting out of the house!) But I just kept trying different things until I found something that worked.

In great news, I feel ready for the next event of near-apocalyptic magnitude. (Because we all know life can never be boring.) 2020 tested my skills, but I came out equal to the challenge. And you know what? I’m proud of me.

Over to You!

How did 2020 challenge you? What new skills did you learn?

Leave your thoughts in the comments below! I love hearing from you.

Hey, at least we had plenty to read in 2020! Here are today’s best-sellers from my online shop:

Category: Inspiration